Several years ago, I made my dream come true! I arrived at the San Francisco airport and came as an international student to pursue a graduate program in the US.
As may be embarrassing as it sounds, I actually did not put a lot of thought into why I pick computer science as my undergraduate and graduate major.
I grew up in a low-income and less educated family. My father even told me to get married and become a wife when I was in junior high school LOL. I did not mean to get sympathy or anything, but as much as I wish that’s not the case, money and my aptitude were the two biggest factors as to why I picked computer science as my major. But I’m very grateful because, without this degree, I’d not probably be able to finally get my green card in the United States.
I remember I liked to` romanticize my dream – working and living abroad in the US. So, right after college, I stepped into the corporate world to save money for my graduate school tuition.
But, it was still not enough, so I borrowed $20k from my relative. Then, I applied for a graduate school with the hope that I can find my success and happiness overseas.
I am still grateful these days because without my relative help, I, for sure wouldn’t be able to get this opportunity.
After getting my master’s, I applied to a lot of jobs and received rejection from many companies. I experienced a lot of anxieties due to the limited time to find a job in the US. I was so scared to become jobless and had to return to my home country. But thank God! I was able to secure a job before that.
Fast forward a couple of years later, I got promoted and was assigned to a highly visible, yet quite demanding project. Although it may look like I have it figured out from the outside. I never felt more disconnected from my life. While I could get stuff done, somehow I felt that I was not good enough. It seems that the individualistic team made the experience even worse.
I think I might experience perhaps what’s society described as a quarter-life crisis? After finishing a big task, I walked by myself during lunch and wondered why the heck I felt so depressed. While I am very grateful for the opportunities I have (I really am!) but I did not want to ignore how I felt like I did in the past.
So, I decided to find a different career path. While keeping my day job, I took different classes, tried various activities, and talked to people in various professions. All of this happened in a few years. Long story short, I eventually found my way. I circled back to what I was always interested in in college, which is working with data and people. After making the change, I can say that I enjoy it more times than not.
So, throughout this process, I’d learned a few things.
We as an individual have so many potentials and possibilities of career path
When I was lost, I thought something’s wrong with me because I don’t know what my real “passion” or life purpose is. I was so unhappy and I had difficulties enjoying little things in life. Even I started to abandon my favorite activities that seem unproductive. For instance, I stopped walking and reading because I thought I could not make it as a career. What is the one thing that’s supposed to be my calling on earth?
While the idea of finding my life’s purpose seems a bit too intimidating to me, I found it’s liberating to think that I have many possibilities for a career. I have many interests in music, writing, reading, data visualization, and cooking, and it’s okay if I pick one or a few of these and go with it. It is also very possible to do those activities that fuel your passion by night.
“Finding your purpose” advice may have good intentions, but it could come across as too pressuring and not practical (at least to me).
Even till today – I still don’t know what I enjoy the most and what my true calling is. I think as humans we are far too complex with the idea that we have one true purpose that we are supposed to fulfill.
Follow your curiosity and learn which ones that keep piquing your interest?
I found it is more helpful to follow my curiosity instead and actually try out activities that interest me. In my case, it’s funny because oftentimes, I circled back to what I was interested in when I was younger – two of them are music and writing.
There is one interest that I developed over time, which is cooking. Maybe because I love home-cooked meals so much.
But there are also many other things that I thought I was interested in, but not so much when I actually did the work. For instance, I did a lot of data science projects on-side and there were only a few that I am still interested in. I left those that require lots of advanced stats knowledge. I also built a website for my school project but was never tempted to create another similar project.
Maybe one should not over-romanticize their dream
I have a habit of over-romanticize my goal too much, for instance – I’ve been dreaming of making a living off of my arts. For a long time I thought, if I can just get that one thing, I’ll be happy.
Another instance is – many years ago, I romanticized my dream of living and working overseas. I once told myself – it’ll be happily ever after once I figured it out. But the truth is far from that 🤣
Realistically, achieving a dream takes time, perhaps a long time for many people who don’t have the skills, to begin with. And honestly, it is just sometimes plain difficult. For instance, there were times where I sit in front of the piano and I just can’t come up with a good melody that I like. Because I (still) have a habit of being too hard on myself, I would get feeling like a failure if I can’t come up with a good melody, or if it is too long to come up with a good one.
I realized that being an artist is not as glamorous as I think. I have to learn to face my fear of making bad stuff. And I did make lots of bad stuff and this hurt my ego. And this again will take time. You’ve gotta make the bad stuff to get to the other side of it.
All and all – this sounds hard to me. But because it is hard, does it mean that I should give up? The time will pass anyway and by 40, I might still be haunted by this dream. And what would happen till then? Should I be unhappy until I become successful? That doesn’t sound like a really good way to live. I want to live a life that has good memories and I can remember. Maybe all this means that I should give myself a little bit of time to make meaningful progress while still enjoying little things in life.
I’m worthy regardless I accomplish things or not. It’s such a relief to know that I don’t need to earn my way into being worthy.
Anyway, guys, I appreciate all of you who read this and I hope wherever you are in your journey, you are also embracing the chapter you are currently in. Thank you again and have a good day or night!
Vi, a software engineer with a keen interest in personal finance, had planned to retire once she reached her lean FI/RE (Financial Independence/Retire Early) goal. However, after achieving the goal, she took few months of a mini-retirement filled with travel and adventure and decided to continue her career.
For the past five years, Vi has been using Personal Capital (Empower), a free financial tool. Her favorite features include the dashboard for net worth, allocation, and planning, which help track her FI/RE goal and keep those investment fees in check.